plumbous

Am I wrong to equal openness from her as I share?  Or is that my own choice, to tell her things.  Am I being unrealistic with my expectations?  It feels like I tell her everything about my life; all my secrets, feelings.  However, she divulges considerably less in return.  I am sure it's not because she has nothing to share-- she has admitted that she keeps many things from me and/or does not feel the need to say them.   Despite this, I feel like I need her to tell me things.  I feel distanced to someone when the person doesn't share as much as I do.  Again, I can see the flaws in my thoughts.  I chose to speak, chose to let myself be vulnerable.  Other people may not care for this or would rather protect themselves.  I am naturally open, and she is not.  Am I being too clingy?  Too demanding?  Maybe I am.  Probably.  Yet that fact does not end my deep curiosity and this need to learn more.  I hate being lied to.  I hate being unaware and closed off.  Then again, I have severe issues with being alone.  Am I stupid?  Yeah, most likely.

Well, I haven't blogged in 26 weeks so I should update some things.  My spring term classes killed me; I got a B and B- in AP Chemistry, ruining my 4.0 GPA.  I took it for granted last year, to be honest.  It may have been the combination of badminton, AP classes and math, but I think I am just not smart/determined enough to handle AP courses.  I don't know how well I will do next year with my school changing from a block schedule to a 6-period schedule.  Oh, I got myself into a relationship with my best friend.  It was very unexpected at the time, but now, it seems like it was meant to be.  Even if my above thing seemed a bit depressing, it's what I do weekly now.  I suck at social things, and I cannot deal with my emotions sometimes.  But I really do love her, so I pray that will prevail.  I started my driver's education classes (finally, a year later. XD) on Sunday so yeah.  That's coming along.  Yesterday, I took a nap and woke up with allergic conjunctivitis, with a lump and severely irritated eye.  I was a bit terrified, but after I saw the doctor, things got better.  Hopefully, I will not develop pinkeye.  I really, really don't want pinkeye. Eh.  I don't know what caused my eye to swell and stuff.  If it was allergies or bad contact hygiene, I don't know.  I sort of afraid to use contacts again, but my self-esteem sort of depends on them so..suck it up.  I'm taking an abnormal psych class at my local community college, and I'm recognizing even more of my issues.  Even though the teacher told us not to go diagnosing ourselves and overthinking things, I can't help but check myself and find ways to relate what I do to a disorder.  It's getting late, and I still have not showered so I will blog some more another time.  Adieu, adieu, to you you and yoou.

Today was pretty uneventful.  A few family members came for a small dinner.  Then we saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button which is now my favorite movie of all time.  It makes me feel a lot of things.  I cried and almost cried seven times (yes, I kept track).  I love things that move me, whether it be a movie, book or person.  Yeah.  I'm on my emotional high fly.  When I get like this, I don't want to talk to people.  I don't need people.  Before, I felt lonely, and I contemplated this huge urge to find myself a girlfriend.  Now, I just feel good.  Thank you.

Today was quite the dreary day.  I stayed up until four because I went to McDonald's with my brother, as a homage to our usual thing in the summer, before he went back to school.  Prior, he came back pretty drunk and crashed into my room.  He started lecturing me, and I was quite annoyed.  Towards the end, however, what he was saying made sense, and I guess he sobered up.  It's funny how we bond.  I gave him his Christmas gift earlier yesterday; a pink ipod nano.  Well, yeah, he's gone now, and I do miss him.

I woke up at 9:30 to hear my dad and his friend yapping.  I was pretty disappointed because when his friends come, that means he's going to get drunk.  I went back to sleep and when I woke up, he was gone.  Strangely, I got up at 12:34, again, but I forgot to make a wish.  I slowly got up and ate a bit before I showered.  By then, it was already three--I really lag.  I did my sociology notes until, I think, five and I wrote about a page of my two-page paper.  I'm still pretty behind, but that's okay.  I've written down what I have to do, so hopefully, I'll stay motivated.  I'm currently taking an extended break ::coughs::, and I downloaded some music.  My friend mentioned the band Camera Obscura to me because she said they sounded like Tilly and the Wall, a band I really like.  I downloaded a bunch of their songs, and they don't sound similar to me.  I enjoy their songs a lot more, though.  Even though I downloaded them randomly, I like them all.  Same goes for The Wombats, one of my other friend's favorites.

Let's skip back to last night, because I had some interesting conversations.  I went to a post-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving party at a friend's house.  This friend drinks and smokes, by the way.  Before I arrived, she and her friends were drinking beer while one of my friends was watching.  It wasn't a huge party or anything, and only they (three people) drank.  I discussed this with my circle of friends on AIM, and I think I would drink.  Probably not with them, because I wouldn't want my close friends to see me drunk, but yeah.  I don't like parties or crowds or socializing and I feel alcohol would help me.  That's really stupid and ignorant, but I still want to do it.  Hypocritically, I hate it when my dad gets pissed drunk or anyone around me.  I guess I'll find out one day if I like drinking or not, and I'll make my decision then.

Oh, what the hell.  All of my posts were cut under that link.  If that does not scream creepy perv with a vendetta against teletubbies, I don't know what does.  If I could only figure out how to change that.

--3 minutes later---
SUCCESS!

That is what I am.  A total Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, and Perceiving person.  I was just watching House M.D. where Thirteen almost died.  I was screaming "Nooo!" at the TV and my mom was asking me what was wrong.
I have always sucked with transitions.
Thanksgiving break is going by so quickly.  It's already Tuesday night, and I have done zero homework.  I need to take sociology notes, made an ad for some FDR program, write a two-page story, practice my monologue, read chapters 22-27 of Grapes and write a one-page dialectical journal for each chapter, and start my Gatsby packet.  Death to me.  To think, after that hour-long lecture from my eye doctor (which was totally random) about being grateful and taking all opportunities and recognizing the similarities of immigrants blah blah blahhh, I was motivated to do something.  Now, I still feel it, but it is not strong enough.  I also need to read those fat packets for the Academic Decathlon.  I could not even spell decathlon.  I was sure I was going to be a psychiatrist for a week but then.. I thought about it, again, and I realized I could never be a doctor.  Things disgust me too easily and I am not compassionate.  I do not care what being an ISFP entails, I swear to you I am the least caring person you have ever met.  Shush, Jung/Meyers/Briggs.  I am not listening.

My current favorite music stuff comes from The Format, Black Kids, and Tokyo Rose.  I also really like Katy Perry.  Some of her stuff, anyway.  I wish she would come out with an acoustic album because her musical talents are not used sufficiently in her pop-y album.   Plus, she is so attractive.  There is this girl in my second block class that I swear looks a lot like her.  Course, not as pretty since she has this stoner look in her eyes, but still.  I have a little crush on her, but my friend tells me she is not that great.  I do not think she is the most intelligent person, but the way she says things makes you think she has researched whatever the heck she is talking about in-depth and has written four books on it.  Then there was this time in class where we were sharing our American Dreams and what she said touched me so much.  It made me reassess her.  Slowly, things are widdling down, though.  We see each other at least once outside of class daily, and I am almost positive she sees me too, but she never waves.  I do not wave either, but I usually do not initiate things.  She does not even acknowledge my presence, for the most part.  On Friday, however, we had a little potluck thing and she was standing behind me in line.  I think she was talking to me when she pointed out the "Hugs, not drugs" line on the board.  I did the whole fake smile and laugh.  It was not that amusing to me, but I tried.  Once we got to the food, I was somehow trapped between the table and the bookshelf and she was directly behind me.  We had this awkward moment where she realized she had to move so I could get out.  I did a lot of apologizing and nervous laughing.  I think that is the most we have spoken since we were in the same group for the project.  Even then, it felt like she did not care what I had to say because I had some stuff on my face she kept staring at  (The first time, my upperlip was dry, which later mortified me and pushed me to the brink of psychosis.  I was really stressed out from my psychology paper.  The second time, we all had mustaches drawn on our faces, and I guess my eyes are heinous because she adverted them as much as she could).  She has also shown signs of, well, being a whore.  I overheard her and her friends talking about some guy that one of them wanted to date and she suggested her friend not to suck his dick.  Which, being the immature loser I am, make me go "Eww, earmuffs!"  Yeah, another embarassment.  I ought to think before I act. ..I guess that does not make her a whore, just extremely blunt.  She is straight anyways, and she recently broke up with her boyfriend.  One of my guy friends in that class likes her, apparently, so I have no chance.  I do not even think I want a chance, but I am still saddened.  Wow, I wrote a lot about her.  These little infatuations happen often, and they pass quickly.  Things never go anywhere, so I have no worries about this one.

I love personality tests and people telling me how I am.

    I'm not longer a RPF virgin!  Oh deary me.  I couldn't help it.  The fudgin' idea sat on my face all night, and I barely slept.  When I finally did write it, it took me like three hours longer than the expected five minutes.  Time for me to light up the piece of paper I wrote my ideas on; no one can knooow.

Side-note:  I need to do my summer homework.  Like now.  (but continues to ignore backpack)

    That's what I fudgin' have.  I'm passive-aggressive.  I have come to realize this after a long night and morning of self-evaluation.  Instances of my tendencies are screaming out of me.  Like when I gave this girl I had a crush on a Christmas gift with a paper star-mixed in with a good 495 others-that side I liked her.  I figured, if she finds it, it's fate, right?  I even wrote it in Spanish in hopes that if she did find it, she would not understand.   What the f is that?  HUH?!  Also, when I am angry at someone, I don't tell them.  No, I glare at them and hope they get that I am angry.   Another example was when my friends came over.  I was irked that they would go through my drawers, but rather than telling them that, I tape my drawers shut.  Yes, I taped them.  Plus, do you ever notice I always type thoughts in parentheses?  It's like I do not want to directly tell such, so I write it as an outside thought.  Whenever it comes time to do my homework, I go watch the television.  Then I blame the shows for drawing me in.  Sometimes, I feel like I would rather kill myself than do what is required of me.  I think, it's much easier to just die than writing an essay.  This is probably why I hate public situations.  I can't openly express how I feel.  Like when I go to a restaurant, I really hate asking for things even though I know it is their job to help me.  Even in online chats!  If I don't want to talk to the person, I still do, but in a begrudging way.  I don't get where this came from.  Actually, it's possible this comes from the time where I had to take care of my grandparents.  I was so angry at everything, but I could not express it.  I ended up yelling at my grandparents all the time and became a malicious worker.  When I had to give my grandma a shower, I would scream and be extremely rough with her.  I regret that now.  Last night, I thought that I didn't feel anything, but I do.  I feel sadder and more ashamed as I remember more.  I would never think of my grandparents.  I don't even visit them anymore.  I don't visit them because I don't want to face my guilt.  Not because I'm afraid of the senior home, which is somewhat true, but because I am afraid of facing my grandparents.  When I actually go there, it isn't so bad, but what I experience before is intense.  I'm a passive-aggressive chickenshit.  I was going to say, I deserve to die, but that is just me trying to make things easier to deal with.  No, I deserve to live and feel like crap.  Maybe I will be able to change that feeling, change myself into a better person who says what she wants and needs instead of writing a blog, hoping I can get the point.  I apologize for the rant, but be glad I didn't get started on my napoleon complex. >.>
 

    I forgot to post for June so I shall combine the months.  I avoided listening to music because I am afraid of getting sick of Tegan and Sara.  My love is too deep for that to happen.

Favorite Songs:
1.) She Doesn't Get It (Acoustic) - The Format
2.) A-Punk - Vampire Weekend
3.) Sad Song - Au Revoir Simone
4.) Middle Middle - Daphne Loves Derby
5.) You Picked Me - A Fine Frenzy
6.) Stolen - Dashboard Confessional ft. Juli
7.) The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth  - Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah
8.) Sunday Morning - Maroon 5
9.) Bizarre Love Triangle - Nouvelle Vague (originally by New Order)
10.) Back Here - BBMak

Guilty Pleasure: Beautiful Dirty Rich  - Lady GaGa

Not on my play list, but I still love it so: That Girl - David Choi

 

    Okay, I really ought to post a bit more.  It's been.. two-ish months?  Well, nothing has been happening, so I can't say that I was busy.  I have been lounging around, doing absolutely nothing.  I should be doing my summer assignments or begin my drivers' ed classes, but I'm too bloody lazy.  Mainly, I have been lurking, reading a ton of femslash.  I'm starting to get into the whole Blake/Leighton thing, which I find a little shameful.  I know that it will never happen, but I still have my hopes and dreams (yup, those are my wishes).  I've been getting fatter by the day because I've stopped working out.  I just sit here and read pervy fics.  Don't get me wrong, reading that stuff is tons of fun but..  blah.  XD
    Oh, I never got that seat next to that one girl.  I am over her now because absence does not make me fonder.  But yeah, I am still quite disappointed.  I got straight As again..woo.  I am afraid it won't stay that way next year with all the hard classes I will be taking.  We'll see, eh?
    One of my badminton friends began talking to me towards the end of the school year.  I started to develop feelings for her, which is pretty sad.  My friend pointed out that I am damn easy to win over.  And, apparently, I am not as shallow as people think!  I usually like girls who are relatively average looking, but have nice personalities, so hah!  When it came to guys though, I was extremely picky.  I was thinking like model looks and super personality, but there was a reason for that (obviously).  She went on vacation for a month and now she's back.  I don't know how I feel.  I have been trying to not talk to her which has been going surprisingly well.  Maybe I never liked her.  Maybe, I just felt friendship.  I do that a lot; mix up friendship with like.  It's hard for me to decipher my own feelings.  I wonder how relationships will work out for me.  I'll blog again, some time.  Right now, I need to go brush my teeth (ewww, you're so icky!).

    I forgot to mention I got my SAT scores back.  I received a total of 1710; 610 in critical reading, 560 in writing, and 540 in math.  My math score is really lacking, but overall, I think I did well for my first time.  That's all for now.

*Pray with me for a seat next to that one girl. ;D*

Not much of a change since last month, so instead, I'll post my top five songs.

Favorite Songs:
1.) Wake Up Exhausted - Tegan and Sara
2.) A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie
3.) Sore Throat - The Maccabees
4.) Courage, Robert - Meg and Dia
5.) Teenage Kicks - Nouvelle Vague


I have just found out about Kaki King.  She is a great artist, but I don't enjoy most of her songs XD.

Phoenix is a band that has been around for a while and I have recently downloaded some of their songs.  Along with "Rally", I like "Run Run Run", and "Too Young".

My friend recommended the band Porter.  I only downloaded "Daphne" which is pretty interesting since half the song is in Spanish.

Along with these, you should listen to all of Tegan and Sara's songs ::cough::.

That's it for this month.

    It has been a log time since I have last blogged.  It is not that I have not been going onto livejournal, no I assure you I have.  I have just been going onto daliy_yuri (or is it yuri_daily?) and getting my fill of delicious smutty manga (and sweet ones too! I am not full perv).

    Last weekend, my relatives from Texas came.  I acted so bitchy Friday for my mother announced that my God-father would be staying in my room.  He has never been the cleanliness of men.. or anyone, for that matter.  I was extremely irked and I threw a fit.  Actually, I was pissed, but I became truly irate when my mother dropped a bombshell on me: two of the kids were coming too.  My so-called cousins (by marriage) are vile.  [When I went to Texas, I was continually harassed by their little punk asses.  I was only twelve (going onto thirteen) and they repeatedly commented on my beginning signs of puberty.  We went to South Padre Island and I wore a two-piece.  (now that I think about it, that was not a good idea. Pervy kids and the swimsuit was super tight so I looked kinda fat) That led to remarks about my budding chest and my ass.  I went again for my God-mother's funeral and they were still dirty little pricks, just older.  To top it all off, they like my brother better so I felt a little inadequate.]   I admit, when I found out, I  totally overreacted and my mom did not deserve to hear me give a bitch fit.  When they actually came, it was not so bad but they were still annoying.  I never liked kids, so yeah.  I accompanied them to the movies on Saturday and we watched Speed Racer.  I enjoyed the movie and they were not a nuisance.  Sunday, I was supposed to go to this girl's party (I do not consider her much of a friend, especially now), but my mom did not let me.  She rented out a place in a community center and it was supposed to be all fancy and crap.  It was semi-formal, too.  But noo, instead I had to go eat gasoline-tasting pizza in Sunnyvale.  I still dressed up, since I needed to feel better somehow.  My aunt sort of doted over me, saying how pretty I looked.  It was nice, but I felt awkward.  I did not feel I deserved her compliments and I accidentally showed my perverted side to her husband.  He is white so he generally has no idea what my family is talking about since they usually speak in Chinese.  I translated my father's joke about whores and he just looked at me funny.  I thought he didn't understand so I repeated it a few times.  I guess he did not think it was funny >.>;.   We then went to her house to do some yoga.  That is when I injured my wrist and further injured my lower right leg.  I felt the need to show that I was not a weakling compared to my middle-aged aunt and mother, so yeah.  I took things a little far by actually trying.  She told us that it was beginning yoga, so it should not be difficult, but here I am, wearing a wrist guard and a throbbing leg.  It has been a week, but they still hurt.  I keep using my wrist since we have badminton in PE (again, I feel the need to show others how skilled I am.  So far, I have failed), and my leg while running.  I depend on my right side too much so this is a problem for me.  They finally left on Tuesday, and I am so happy to have my room and bathroom back.

    Currently, I have just returned from dinner in Oakland with my parents.  It was all right, except for my father pointing out that a cockroach crawled into a hole in the wall.. after that, I freaked out.  I got a green tea milkshake w/ boba after, but It is not that great.  It is drinkable, but some parts are thick and some are watery.  On the way home, I thought of my blog and I felt the urge to post.

    Mmm.. What else..  Well, I have been steadily getting lazier.  With summer coming in nine school days, my productivity rate has gone way down.  I was way better at keeping up with assignments when I still had badminton.  As a matter of fact, I slept more then, too.  I guess having practice forced me to prioritize more and work harder.  Now that I have all this free time, I spend it reading online fics and reading manga.  I have this huge project in adv. health due and my current 92% depends on it.  I just feel really blah.

    Oh, oh.  I do not know if I told you about my new crush, but I am going to tell it again because some exciting things happened.  Hehe.  On Thursday, she was stung by a bee.  Okay, that is not really exciting but on Friday, I worked up the nerve to ask her if she was okay!  On our way to an assembly, I asked her about it since I saw her coming into the locker room crying.  She laughed it off and I told her I felt bad that she cried.  Then the conversation got quiet, and her friend came, so I ran off to my friends.  That was pretty stupid of me since my leg hurt and running was not the best thing for it.  Unfortunately, I must report that she is definitely straight.  She is a Zac Efron fan-girl which breaks my heart.  I even wrote a story about her.  This crush thing will pass, but for now, I hope I get to sit next to her in Algebra 2.  We are switching seats for the last time and I have not sat next to her all year.  I have all my classes with her, but I have yet to sit next to her.  I only sit by her in third block because I manipulated my way behind her.  I always make fun of her head because she is relatively tall and blocks my view of the front.  Hehe.

    About that assembly, I decided to join next year.  I want to learn break-dancing.  I highly doubt I will actually follow through in all of these proclamations of learning, but the idea seems cool.  So You Think You Can Dance has started up again and I am so inspired.  I want to learn either break-dancing or contemporary.  It would be so awesome.

    At the assembly, this girl in my PE class was the dj.  She was pretty good, and confident as usual.  Sadly, her microphone sucked and that same microphone ruined this guy's performance.  The girl is part of track which is why she has PE as a senior.  She is funny and outgoing so people are naturally drawn to her.  I could have sworn she was lesbian; she gives off a vibe that makes my gaydar go ding ding ding.  She started talking to the Asian group I am part of playing accents off of me as I use my fob accent (it is highly praised, man.  just about the only thing I can do that is praised. XD).  She began to speak in a Spanish accent and I tried to reply in Spanish, but no words came to mind.  That is pretty sad since I had Spanish 2 only last semester.  She claimed to have had several Spanish-speaking boyfriends previously who taught her Spanish.  I was surprised that she said boyfriend, but I guess that is plausible.  My gaydar sucks, so who knows?  I stared at her ass through the whole assembly, too.   Ah well.

     I am going to the doctor this Friday for my leg.  I tried to diagnose myself, and I think it is a shin split.  My wrist is probably carpal tunnel syndrome and I know I still have pinworms.  I will have to ask her for another prescription of worm killer.  Ugh, reinfection sucks.

    In English class, we have been reading Romeo and Juliet which is pretty fun, but arduous to understand.  I read for Romeo in Act II, Scene 3.  I practiced and read in a British accent.  It was not that good, to be honest.  My teacher said my accent was Cockney and too low class for Romeo, but whatever.  I memorized a few lines and I am trying to use for rather than because to sound more Shakespearean.  Dorky?  Ay.

    Oi, this whole blog is all out of order.  I wait too long between blogs.  I was about to type inbetween when I realized that was not a word.  Between is already in the middle of two things so how can you be inbetween?  That is redundant.  Yay, English class!


"Good night, Good night! 
Parting is such sweet sorrow
That I shall say 'Good night' till it be morrow" [Act II, Scene 2; Juliet Capulet]

    I have heard of this, but I have not participated in it until this year.  Initially, I was led to believe it was a day for all those who have been bullied.  That is half true.  Actually, it is a day for all the gays, bis, and transsexuals who have been bullied.  I have no problem with keeping quiet for that, but ahh!  I am currently quite vexed (did I just that correctly?).  I think my entire English class believes I am gay.  Which is true, but AHHHH.  I did not mean to out myself!  At least, not like this, publicly.  ::cries::.  Darn darn darn!  Oh, but hey.  I told two of my friends.  I feel pretty happy.  I am just a little sad that I also, accidentally, told my entire class.  Oi.  I hope this plays well for me and my new crush.  Hehehe.  What is with me and liking white girls?  Really, though.  I should start giving the other races a chance. ;D.

    I was silent for most of the day, but I cheated by writing.  I almost got a referral for writing on my arm with Sharpie.  Apparently, it can give you skin cancer O.O.  Then, at practice, I started talking and then, when I realized, I was aghast.  I was tired from running, and my usual bitching slipped out. =X

    I hope every one had a nice Day of Silence.

Okay, I changed my mind. Instead, I will be posting it here. A bit exaggerated for humor, but autobiographical. In this part of the paper, I was assigned to write about a time where I stood out from the crowd to do what was right. Not what one would expect..:

    It was fourth block, and a relatively hot day. I was in physical education, running laps on the black top. The teacher decided to play a game, and, much to my chagrin, it involved the use of my languid, liquid legs. Never being fast (or, even, moderately slow), I groaned. The rules were to run five laps: first lap, half run, half walk; second lap, run; third lap, half walk, half run; fourth lap, walk; fifth lap, do as you please. The catch was that if you were lapped, you would have to run an extra lap. This gave way to more groans and complaints, especially from me. The teacher was in a mirthful mood upon hearing our melancholic cries and sent us off.

    I took my time during the first lap because of my distaste for running on the black top. My loud, stomping steps were amplified to those of a drunken giant, stumbling over the Himalayas. On the walking portion, I attempted to speed-walk, believing I could make up my time. At the time, I failed to recollect two things: I walk as slow as an eighty year old Asian woman suffering from osteoporosis, and that I am indolent, proof being my writing of this paper the day before it is due.

    Upon reaching the teacher for the second lap, he wisely told me to "go faster" if I wanted to avoid the consequence of my sluggish trot. I heard his words and obeyed him for the first half of the the full run. I had a wonderful mindset. My thoughts were full of optimistic words such as "You are an ostrich!" or "Whoa! You have lapped that building for, what, the third time now?" However, by the second half of the full run, my lightning-fast flight slowed to a laggard movement.

    As I began my fourth lap, I prayed to every god that has ever been imposed on me. I had already calculated that, if I were to be able to finish my fourth lap in time, it would be impossible for those before me to pass me. The gods must have been blasting the bass while listening to their hymns because they did not hear my cries. I passed the mat room, making my way down the basketball courts where I heard the pitter-patter of my demise. Quiet at first, I shrugged it off as nothing more than the geese, roaming for a new place to make their thrones. Slowly, I began to hear the crackling of concrete, pebbles and dirt being kicked askew. Then the sound of ragged breathing reached my ears. Whatever it was began to go at an accelerated pace, faster and faster. Terror stabbed at my heart, and I attempted to maintain the distance by breaking out into a brisk walk. The image of the teacher by the large tree grew larger, and I almost believed I would make it. Almost. Suddenly, I heard a whooshing noise, and the swish of the legs of his sweatpants grazing each other. Then another flew past me, and another. I now realize they did not pass me to get the satisfaction of forcing another to further tire themselves, but because they were racing. Nevertheless, my thoughts became muddled with foul profanities, cursing them for their ability to move their legs at above-normal-human speeds, unlike me.

    When I reached the teacher, he was grinning in an almost malevolent way. I scowled, and continued to walk. I jogged the remainder of the lap. By that point, almost all of the class was finished. I noticed no one was running their sixth lap. I was quite sure I was not the only one because I recalled seeing several others, a few being my friends. I glanced over at them, and they were not showing any signs of moving from their resting places. Anger began to simmer inside of me. I disliked it when people did not honor their word. Although they did not verbally agree, and although my words were filled with hypocrisy, I still felt it wrong. The teacher showed no sign of enforcing our punishment, but showed a look of disappointment.

    I looked around at my friends and the others who were as guilty as I, and began to jog my sixth lap. Embarrassment welled up inside of me. I was doing the right thing, but I was not enjoying it. With my sweat glands in overdrive, my heart palpitating as if I were a mouse, and my lungs losing their elasticity, I was not in a running condition. Halfway through the lap, I looked across the basketball courts to see a pleasant sight: my friends, running as gracefully as me. With the knowledge of others suffering with me, I sprinted to the finish.

    Phew! It's the end of midterms! Although I technically only had one comprehensive midterm, it was still stressful. My procrastination of that Mob Mentality paper really screwed me over. It was actually fairly easy to write, only taking me two hours. I had fun with it too, using some alliterations and exaggerating the story. I think I may post it on fictionpress, after some editing.
   
    Today, after I showered, I noticed the hair on the left side wasn't sticking up anymore. Nicknamed the wing, I miss it dearly. Now my hair looks like someone else's and I really don't want it to.

    Bunch of thoughts, all jumbled into a paragraphed entry. My transitions have always sucked.

    Signed up for SATs. I don't plan to study, so my chances of getting a decent score are slim. I just want to get a feel for the test. May third, a Saturday, at eight AM. I need to buy some number two pencils.

    I thought of many things to write here, but suddenly.. I've forgotten them all. Heh, maybe I'll think of them later.
 

    With my Cornell Notes, and Algebra 2 homework done, I have some free time. It's nice to write blogs even if I know no one is reading them. Maybe it's better. They say talking to yourself is therapeutic.
     I have decided to post a list of my favorite artists of March. Maybe, if I still use this blog years and years from now, I can look back and revisit these artists.

Faves:
Tegan and Sara
Nouvelle Vague
The Cribs
Meg & Dia
Kate Nash
Arctic Monkeys
The Maccabees
Maroon 5
Sara Bareilles
Rachel Yamagata
Leona Lewis

    If I do this again next month, expect some repeats. I just added many of those artists recently. Also, there are a ton of other bands I love, but I overplayed their songs. Some examples are: Ingrid Michaelson, Tokyo Police Club, hellogoodbye, The Strokes, Jason Mraz, The Starting Line, The Killers, Scene Aesthetic, Daphne Loves Derby, The Postal Service, Death Cab for Cutie, Dangerous Muse, and others.

I pray I never overplay Tegan and Sara. I love them too much. And it's not because they're gay. I found that out after I fell in love with their songs. Once I did find out, I fell in love with them. XD

                               

    I made so many strides towards the end of my procrastination! For today, anyway. I woke up at eleven and showered. I've found that my hair has three styles: bed-headed Korean boy band member, androgynous girl, and you're an outright lesbian. I prefer the second which was how it was today. It takes a lot more work though, blow-drying with a brush and all. My father then took me out to go to Top Dog, a hot dog place I used to go to often. It was conveniently located where my mom used to work (Longs Drug) and it brought back some childhood memories. Okay, that's a lie. I didn't remember a thing of that place except for the food. A lemon chicken dog. Sounds good, right? I had one of those and half a hot link. That may sound like excessive, but they're pretty small. Afterwards, I went home again to take Cornell Notes for this crap health class. Four hours of note taking, with the occasional break to take a picture of myself for my default pictures. The one you see there is me, writing about some body cavity. I wear that same shirt, coincidentally, in many of my pictures. I'm not emo, even if my hair is in my face. I don't cut myself because of my acute fear of pain and all the stuff that comes along with it. I do listen to sad music sometimes. And I find emo people cute, but it's not possible for me to find myself cute. I'm not emo, so end of discussion, as my dad would say. Actually, he generally says E.O.D. I just had a cruel thought. I wondered how he knows the word discussion..::slaps self::. I do that quite much.
     While taking notes, my thoughts constantly wandered to perverted things. Actually, the text was already dirty so I didn't have to go into critical thinking mode. Yes, I have a critical thinking mode for kinky things. I am sure I'm not the only one who did it. How could you not think of sex when there's giant diagrams of naked people?! If you don't, you're not human.
    Have you ever read something, just to find errors in it? I do, being the condescending person I am. After I found one mistake in the textbook (they forgot parentheses), my eyes were vigilant for others. I like finding them and laughing, on the inside. I've learned not to laugh openly when there's nothing apparent to laugh about. I have been caught many times doing such, and people like to point it out. I'm not psychotic, I just think of funny things at the worst moments.
--Meal break, 7:04 PM

7:28 PM--
       Had me some home-made egg rolls! XD I watched King of the Hill and I was reminded of how much I hate Peggy Hill. Hate hate hate! So arrogant and ethnocentric. But I will admit, we share on thing in common. Our texting speeds; as slow as the shit coming out of a constipated, three hundred pound dog. I was going to say a person, but the image I get is too much. The episode is about Hank helping out his Hispanic employee with his daughter's Quinceañera, a celebration of a girl reaching womanhood at age of fifteen. Peggy begins selling houses in the employee's, Enrique's, neighborhood. Her clients are hipsters, "[..] tight pants wearing, artists." The "poor, starving artists with rich parents" are attracted to the neighborhood because of the lack of hicks. This causes a raise in rent for Enrique and he is not longer able to afford it. The problem is solved with Hank and his friends pretending to live in the area, which scares the kids off. This episode was especially entertaining because the hipsters reminded me of my friends. Well, the way they dress. The rich parents and the artistic abilities are unique to only a few. I would say it reminded me of me, but I don't dress very cool or have much of a social life.

    You know how people say outing? Well, maybe you don't. Anyway, I had an inning (pun! ;D). Friends came over and we had a jolly time. Hung out (who started that term? it's not like we're laundry..), ate pizza and shared some laughs. Most of it was good. Some parts were pretty poopy. One of my friends came early, and I learned more about her. Her parents were fighting, so she felt she needed to get out of the house. I really didn't know what to do to make her feel better.. So I sang a song. The only song I know how to play; Anyone Else But You - Ellen Page and Michael Cera. I don't know the lyrics to the original Moldy Peaches version, but yeah. I felt pretty stupid, since I was practically speaking the words instead of singing. The song seemed too happy for that sort of occasion. Maybe I should have sounded happier, if I was trying to cheer her up. I'm not very insightful.
    My other friends started to come over and I ordered the pizza. We got the wrong one; a pepperoni instead of a vegetarian since one of my friends is a tree hugger. I had to stand, waiting for the delivery guy to call to get me a discount. He had a really thick Indian accent. I couldn't tell if he was speaking in English or whatever dialect, so I just nodded to whatever he said. I ended up paying half price, but my vegetarian friend didn't get to eat. She had to leave early for her appointment with her psychiatrist (I'm jealous too), but I wanted to feed her. XD
    After we ate, we just messed around. Not like a giant orgy, that would be icky..with some people. I didn't want to overuse the saying "hang out". There were some moments where I got a bit annoyed. Like when my crush started making out with her boyfriend on my bed. I was nice enough to get off the bed, earlier, so he could join her, but that doesn't mean they can start kissing excessively on my bed. Where I sleep! And do stuff! (kidding, just sleep). I had to tell them to stop. Her boyfriend was cool about it and apologized to me later. I didn't expect it or felt it was required, but it was a nice gesture ,and I appreciate him doing that. He's sort of become my friend, as well.
    I was in the bed with my crush and my mixed double's partner, talking, when she started feeling up my collar bone. I don't get why people like it so much. I know it protrudes because my "skinny-ness", but really. I think we were joke-flirting. We do that a lot, and I really should stop because it hurts my feelings when she goes and kisses him after. I know it doesn't mean anything when we say that stuff, but I..yeah.  She said one was bigger than the other -_-. Later on, I accidentally smacked her chest. I meant to hit her arm, but I ended up hitting her bust. I think she was weirded out because she left me, afterwards. I feel really bad. It wasn't even an intentional feel up! Nor was it remotely pleasant! Okay, a little pleasant, after I realized, but barely.
    While I was eating and reading a nicely written f/f story (http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2494880/1/), my crush called to inform me of movies on Sunday. My other friend called before her and I wasn't there to answer. I called her back, and guilt rushed over me when I realized it seemed as if I chose my crush over her. Which isn't true because I think friends are much more important. I think I'll even sign on AIM to apologize. Why does everything have to do with my current limerence? Ugh. Okay, I'll stop.
    Oh, before I forget, the story I was reading is called A New King of Feeling by Bassair. I recently came upon it -yesterday, in fact-  and she already updated today. I am one happy girl. Well, she's my age, and from England which is enough to make her supah' cool.  I have yet to fine any errors in her grammar or punctuation (does grammar include punctuation? I don't want to be redundant) which gives her brownie points. I hope to read more of her stories in the future, possibly those NC-17 she's hinted at. >.>. KIDDING! ..unless you're Bassair. Then I'm not.

Ignore my pervertedness. I blame the hormones.

    Mmk. I forgot where I was at so.. Let me start a new reflection/rant. I got a haircut on Monday. For a month, I've been complaining about my hair and how annoying it was getting. I planned to cut it like Tomoe Marguerite [My-Otome] because.. she's sexy in all her evilness. Anyways, on the way there, I said to my mom, "Heh. I should cut my hair as short as yours [like many mid-aged Asian woman, she has that short, blow-dry curled look]." In response, she said, smiling, "Sure!" We get to the place and the hairstylist shows me how much he's going to cut. My mom said to layer it (I never really understood that term..). So you know.. instead of looking like hot Tomoe, I look like cute Erstin [My-Otome]!  But sadly.. I'm not cute so this look isn't working out for me. I got this whole emo, lesbo, butch look going on. Expect to see me (or not see me..hehe internet humor.) in ponytails and variations of such for a long time.
    My brother called me a dyke. Again. I think I accidentally outed myself to him. I was making a corny joke about how I like fruity gum [I said, "I'm a fruity person." Get it? I like fruity gum because I'm a fruity person? ..Don't look at me like that.] and he goes, "That explains so much." I don't know what to take from that. I guess I was sort of being clumsy with my whole "in-the-closet" thing. Asking for messenger bags, cutting my hair in such a fashion (albeit unintentionally) are probably signs of something, but I wonder if he already knew? I remember I came into his room once, when I was nine, and told him I thought I was a lesbian. I think he talked me out of it.. But look at me now. Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying.. I'm unsure. >.> Okay, who am I kidding? I'm definitely not straight. I'm starting to doubt I'm even bi. What does that leave? Not much, I tell you, not much.
    I went to open gym today. I've been getting steadily worse at badminton ever since we were ranked varsity one (currently junior varsity one). I left with a friend to go eat when my current um.. crush came. She looked really pretty because she was dressed up for her thing in this show. I really wanted to leave because I thought I was over her, but she looked so nice. Fight or flight reaction; I chose flight. I hate how she has the habit of getting really close to people when she speaks to them. First of all, it makes me self-conscious about my looks, if I suffer from halitosis. I already know I'm ugly from afar, imagine up close. Second, she touches you. She pats your arm (when she's not making wild hand gestures. I like making fun of her behind her back. It's known to all, in my circle of friends.), or hits you, or just touches you the entire time. I find it daunting since I generally stay in my personal bubble whenever I interact with people. Last, she does it to everyone. Sad, I know, but I get jealous. I feel special when she does it to me, but when she does it to others, I feel pretty crappy. Did I forget to mention she has a boyfriend? Yeah. He's really nice and funny, and I think they're great together. I wish them well, 96.86% of the time. The other 3.14% (Hohoh! My stupid humor again. Laugh with me. 3.14! PI!) of the time, I'm insanely envious (I can't say jealous because I never had that type of relationship with her in the first place) and depressed.
    To forget of such things, let's speak of Spring Break. It has left me plentiful amounts of time to do..bad things. I've been reading all sorts of stories (..Dirty stories. >.>. Don't tell my mother!) and not doing my homework. Also, I'm beginning to stalk fictionpress writers. Creepy, I know. Well, you see, I have this notion that they're all fat horny men writing about their wet dreams. I just need reassurance that what I'm reading is from really hot lesbians. Gosh, that sounds extremely ignorant and stupid. Okay, no more stalking.  I swears it! ::cough:: Or not.

    I apologize. I gave up on that story because I was too lazy to continue. I have found I enjoy things much better from the sidelines in things like reading. Instead of continuing that story (by the way, I am happy to give the plot to anyone who wants it), I have been lurking.  School has taken up much of my reading time but since spring break is here, I have all the reading time in the world! If only the writers of the stories I have put on story alert could say the same thing..and have it be true.
    So my crush for the past six months got herself a boyfriend. Which is fine with me. I swear it. For a while, I thought she knew, but recently, she's been acting pretty oblivious. I would drop humongous hints because I wanted to talk about it, but I guess she doesn't know. I think I'm almost over her. I swear! I'm sure their [her and her boyfriend] relationship will last a long time. They're really sweet together. I'm starting to think it has become a bit mushy, but I think all relationships like that are mushy and too sentimental.  My brother is home from college. I'll finish this later.